Meds In-Hand!

Before heading to Naomi’s room today, I stopped at the pharmacy to pick up her meds. Oh my goodness! Who knew something so seemingly simple could be such an emotionally charged experience?

With her last discharge still in mind, I remembered the difficulty I had finding some of her meds and how helpless I felt to even take her home. This time, all her meds were ready for me. It was such a relief.

I saw the bag full of boxes and bottles and the stack of instructions. I got a little overwhelmed. Then, I remembered how overwhelmed I was when she came home in November, took a deep breath and reminded myself that I can do this.

I thought of living with an alarm clock set to give her meds and infusions and how exhausting that was. I remembered that we are past the transplant now and she is off of antibiotics and not so transfusion dependent. I also reminded myself that she will sleeping in the same room with me and we will be living together under one roof again.

I could cry at the thought of her being discharged. Part of it is exhaustion and needing things to get simpler. Another part is the overwhelming responsibility that will again be on my shoulders when she becomes my primary responsibility again. Yet another part is concern that it will not happen. Her labs are not looking great to me. Levels keep falling. I am looking for answers why. I don’t get it.

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